tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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