dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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