btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
