I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
