Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Randomize
