Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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