remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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