So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
