OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
