While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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