I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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