he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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