if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i drank out of a bidet.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
