you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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