i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
