I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
