I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
