Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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