Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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