moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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