1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
