It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
