Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
