I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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