I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
