I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
