every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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