omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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