remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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