he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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