these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
