I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
