I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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