Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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