The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I am one with the molecules
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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