I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
