I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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