So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
