the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
