the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
