Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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