there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
