GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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