can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
