just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
