He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
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