You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Randomize
