i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
