my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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