You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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