Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize