I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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