I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I will pee on everything he values.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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