Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
