i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
