it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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